Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wanted to look sharp!

Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.

Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…

Now, I look like an idiom.

My new monthly budget

Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500

new record!

Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.

HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?

ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.

I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?

If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.

I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.

Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu

I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.

Website: Make a password

Me: Ok

Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED

Me: Wow alright

Website: Damn that’s a strong password

[1 Week Later]

Website: You got hacked

Me: But my password was so strong

Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad

I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.

It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.

*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.

To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …

If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.

Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.

I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me

According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.

Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”

Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”

A ghost story

In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario

the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor

Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*

My Cinderella story is backward.

I started out a princess.

Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.

Now I scrub the floors.

Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.

Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.

I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.

A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.