It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.
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Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
SPLOOT
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago