Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.

I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.

If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.

*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*

*posts photo of me washing dishes*

*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*

[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*

My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.

Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…

Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.

It finally happened.

After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”

BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.

As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts

*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re critical

me: I meant medically

One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely

[1931]

Him: we should name this time period

Me: the good depression

Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”

Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more

If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.

When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.

wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father

me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”

-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords

Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance

There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.

Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.