It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.
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Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
I’m not wrong
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
me irl
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.