It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
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People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
The Weeknd is back
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
As per my previous tablet…
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.