It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
![]()
You Might Also Like
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
![]()
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
![]()
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020