It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
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every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
This will never not be funny to me.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
[Me watching football on TV]
Oh man this reminds me of high school
Her: you played football in high school?
Me: no, I watched TV
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire