It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
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{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.
She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol