Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.

[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going

For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.

On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.

Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman

here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve

After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit

[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]

Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.

-Bowser K.

– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”

Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat

therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear

me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet

My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.

My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”

her: i’m breaking up with u

me: we can work this out Linda

her: it’s Lydia

Where have you been all my life?

Can you go back there?

bout dat hot dog summer

BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.

If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no

*Victorian letters to Santa*

My dearest Santa,

I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.

*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*

I would like an orange.

I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.

Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

3: I wuv you Mommy.

Me: I love you too!

3: Don’t talk to me.

[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”

Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*

My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.