It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
I will never stop laughing at this
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
