It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
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adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
The cashier just checked me out.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it