2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
It’s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
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yall tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.
Marriage: Betting someone half your shit that you’ll love them forever.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
have all the brands stopped pretending they’re people? It’s safe to assume Hot Pockets isn’t going to announce it has covid19 tomorrow?
Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Cop: are you currently under the influence of any mind altering substances?
Me: just that gorgeous smile of yours
Cop: get outta here
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”