@Just_Lee_

It’s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.

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@ceejoyner

2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”

@datassque

yall tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.

@DanMentos

*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats

@recursivetaco

have all the brands stopped pretending they’re people? It’s safe to assume Hot Pockets isn’t going to announce it has covid19 tomorrow?

@SteveSuckington

Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.

@_Tempo11

Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.

@occupied_stall

Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.

Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.

@DaddyJew

Cop: are you currently under the influence of any mind altering substances?

Me: just that gorgeous smile of yours

Cop: get outta here

@thatcarlygirl

“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs