[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
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The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Happens to everyone.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
“TGIM!” – My liver
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Hank is one in a melon.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy