“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
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you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?
Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
wut hotdog?
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
i did the math
