Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.

[commercial for mops]

*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*

“There has to be a better way”

Narrator:MOPS

Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.

Me: ok cool.

~6 mos later~

Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?

Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.

Ghost: [quietly sobs]

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.

Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.

Only short people can save us

[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse

I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.

Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.

Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize

Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.

Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!

It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.

my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included

I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”

*At the bar

Me)Is this seat taken?

Woman)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.

i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator

Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.

Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.

Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…

Me: That’s all I got my man.

If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.

i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”

4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!

I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.

[shark tank]

Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight

Mark cuban: no

Me: look no further

I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.

Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.