It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
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*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Proctology is located in A55
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.