Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?

Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?

Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?

Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!

[after drug rehab]

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield

Garfield: *normal cat noises*

It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.

I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.

Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday

This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread

Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami

becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now

[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?

Him: My tummy feels crummy.

Me: Too much rummy, dummy.

*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*

Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes

My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need

Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.

I stand incorrected.

(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)

ants: seize him

When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.

If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?

Guy: “I’m so hungry and there’s no game around.”
Me w/camera: *eating packed lunch*
“You can do it, dude.”

Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.

Me: How’d you injure your back?

Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”

Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what

uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility

peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs

uncle ben (scared): ok.

I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.

ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today

TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨

There’s plenty more fish in the sea

“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”

I’m bad at consoling dumped friends

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.

Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’

Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.

Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.

Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it