Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

deleting my mental health to focus on my social media

In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.

[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.

The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.

Blind Date

Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.

Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?

[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.

I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.

ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.

RECIPE SITE: Sure!

ME: Thank you.

RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—

ME: *Whispers* No.

RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.

Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.

Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, we share it, right?

Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.

Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.

If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.

Autocorrect just changed “have a prosperous 2025” to “have a preposterous 2025” and I feel that’s much more likely.

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**

Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is

What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?

My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.

Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.

The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.

5 yo- can I roll down the car window?

Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.

why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??

I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.

Effort made

My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.

HER: i’m leaving you

HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?

HER: both

HIM: [under breath] inconceivable

Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary

Employee: sir, this is a haunted house

Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary

I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.

I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress

[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.