It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
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“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Writing, She Murdered.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die