It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
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I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Put the is in disheveled
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.