@TheRealPalMal

It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello

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@Big_Cat74

[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny

@lloydrang

There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.

@Darlainky

[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.

Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*

@ehchinoo

I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between

@YourMomsucksTho

Kids now are so spoiled. When I was young we were locked out of the house all day if school was canceled because of snow, we went blind in one eye, lost 2-4 toes to frostbite, ate one of the weaker kids who got hurt sledding, then had a leg amputated, and we WERE FINE.

@GrantTanaka

coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]

@MomOnFire

Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.

@sablaah

brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it