It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
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I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.