It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
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[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
and now we wait
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me