Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
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ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Don鈥檛 tell me what to do, you鈥檙e not a donut
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 馃幎you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 馃幎spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 馃幎baby right round
EARTH: 馃幎like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 馃幎right round round round
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Thank goodness it鈥檚 open for most of Octermeber
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won鈥檛 be your idea.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 馃ス
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.