Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t

I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life

I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.

People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.

MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.

MY DAD: Ugh fine.

[My Birthday]

DAD: Open this one.

ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.

DAD: Now open this one.

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

[interview]

Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?

Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”

November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain

3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.

3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?

She’s going to crush high school.

My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.

The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like

May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos

Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.

Eating my way out of the ball pit.

[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”

Dog: [with a ball] throw this

Human: ok

Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth

Human: what

“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem

You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.

But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???

HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?

Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop

LOL

Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds

He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.

the first snowflake of winter: *falls*

my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ

The human body is 70% water and 30% land

Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.

[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep

I just released my own fragrance.

Now everyone in the car is pissed off.

All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.