It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
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roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Denise please return my vape pen
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.