It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
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Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
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Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
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[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
Very problematic
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For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME