“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
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I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much