Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at a store]

Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?

*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*

Clerk: Well, they’re polarized

PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.

Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.

I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow

I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”

Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.

Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.

Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself

Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.

On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.

Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”

I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”

I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?

As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.

Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude

How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.

Somebody needs to get my shit together.

I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.

I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.

[First date stroll in the park]

Me: So you work at the planetarium?

Date: Yeah.

Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?

Date: The sun.

I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.

It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.

Please can I keep him – he followed me home!

A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”

I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”

My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.

We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation

Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.

I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.

Me: So, what do you do for a living?

Her: I flip houses.

Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.

Her: You’re an idiot.

I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️