“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
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Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Howl 😭
