“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
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Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.