Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.

For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.

fucked up and threw a surprise party for my minimalist friend. now 25 of us hiding behind the granite orb

yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.

My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.

Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.

Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.

Me: I did not.

Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.

Me: I’m not feeding you.

Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.

if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.

If I apply for a job at the railroad,

will they expect me to already know how to do the job

or will they train me?

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that

I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.

Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?

Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”

Bear knowledge

The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.

So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh

Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.

ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there

KIDNAPPER: shut up

ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?

KIDNAPPER: no, quiet

ME: you should have gagged me

KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out

ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone

Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water

“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats

[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*

Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.

Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.

BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”

I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.

8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening

Me: you will inherit everything I own

San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible

Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?

Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.