It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
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*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
There is no “ea” in Tim.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.