It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
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Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*