Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
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North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Dr: do you eat healthy?
Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales
Dr:
Me: the hummuses
Dr: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
If someone starts a sentence with “Words can’t express,” brace yourself, because they’re about to give it a hell of a try anyway!