It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
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Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
I need to update my racial profile.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.