Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone

Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.

Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.

I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.

The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕

Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.

Me – Yes hit me Daddy

Boxing opponent – Dude stop please

Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.

Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’

My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.

Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?

No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.

“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?

As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.

parents nowadays: video games are too violent

parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!

Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.

there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love

Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.

Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.

I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.

Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

[at the park with my husband and children]

Stranger: You have a beautiful family

Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud

A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.

If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.

You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.

You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring

62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”