Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale

“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.

My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:

“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”

Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial

85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.

My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”

Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%

Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.

The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.

Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?

My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.

Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.

I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.

I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?

Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track

BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound

ARCHITECT: why

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper

ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!

I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.

Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.

These are my roll models.

Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.

Swedish for common sense.

Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.

“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets

100% of divorces begin with marriage.

It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.

I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?

“Google Glass”

I know what glass is, Catherine.

this isn’t threatening at all