Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.

Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.

An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.

Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.

After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political

Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.

A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.

#MousseDay #RubbishJokes

*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later

I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.

*E=mcHammer

*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched

fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg

stormtrooper: *sighs*

Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.

My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same

7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?

me: yes

7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?

me:

Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?

Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?

*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation

Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.

Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.

Friend: Who did?

Me: Yep.

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible

My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star

Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor

A chilling warning for the old people in my village.

My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.

This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.

“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?