Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[touring our solar system]

alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?

guide: all but one

alien: what’s better than gods?

guide: *checks notes* dirt

Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”

Round 2… FIGHT

– me, handing one tablet to both kids

peep davidson

Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.

Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!

HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall

Me: that was unclear

*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?

I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…

… and that world peace thing.

“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …

This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen

“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”

-women wearing uggs

me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining

agent: what’s it called

me: Actually Love

I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.

Is he dead?

Is he dead?

Is she dead?

Is HE dead?

What about him?

Is SHE dead?

-My kids watching 80s music videos.

The average person eats 8 spiders a year

*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”

ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help

I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.

I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.

Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*

Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.

A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.

This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.

me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while

Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.

Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.

[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man

Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga

WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?

ME:

WIFE: You fell down the stairs

ME: Yes

My son, 5, scared of the thunder.

I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.

Think that helped.