It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
You Might Also Like
Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.
10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.