It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
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Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.