Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.

Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul Afraides

Paul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes

[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate

At my job interview today the Boss said,

“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”

So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”

[enters elevator]

Me: *audible toot*

Them:

Me: I am not here to make friends.

just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood

Him: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Usually.

I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?

ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.

Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,

Shut up.

Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”

Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*

Me, homeschooling:

If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?

It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.

Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!

Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.

Doctor: Describe your headache.

Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.

There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!

Read to your child.

#Mothersday #booklovers

She was rare, like a goth carolling.

I hope this email punches you square in the face

pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?

me: herbert

pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-

me: himbert

hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees

It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it

Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —

Me: — what kind of dessert would there be

When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.

If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.

Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?

Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor

[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT

Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?

Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can