Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”

[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting

[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]

“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”

All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?

Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.

Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I saw your link on Facebook.

What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.

“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.

So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.

To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.

Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?

An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.

‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’

-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.

Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor

My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”

Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson

The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..

Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit

My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?

4 a.m.

9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE

daddy: mine’s just starting

Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.

“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”

-first rule of Sprite Club

Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.

Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler

Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*

*Remind you to drink water.

[grocery store]

Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”

-Jesus

The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?

The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.