it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
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I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Okey dokey.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Yes I do enjoy a morning donut and an afternoon donut why do you ask?
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Worst bar ever.
