Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.

I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.

*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.

If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.

They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.

You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.

I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have

The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK

My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”

If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me

If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.

Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”

We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’

Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.

She turns 15 on Sunday.

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.

TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately

the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’

They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.

Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.

everyone should be able to film one family Thanksgiving they can show to people to explain why they’re the way they are

Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?

“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”

Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.

Bringing home a sharpie

So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!

I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁

Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.

“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”

*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*

Does this smell funny?

If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?