Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
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“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
i hate you platonically
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth