Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
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I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.