Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
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HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet