It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
You Might Also Like
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
Family Celebrity
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
People clown on Sun Tzu for giving really basic and obvious advice but keep in mind that emperors and nobles at the time were drinking mercury to become immortal. I think he knew his audience.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.