It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
I love texting my boyfriend
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on