It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
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A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
9 circles of hell in this economy?
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks