Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,

“Guess who got laid last night?”

Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”

Me: *fires him for harassment*

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.

Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.

I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays

It will be called Side Chick.

About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.

If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.

ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help

Me: wow

Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest

did… did they arrest the mountain lions

I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.

Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough

Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.

ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass

HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?

McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?

Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?

Downside: the pandemic rages on.

Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet

*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*

My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”

I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.

Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams

Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”

Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.

Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that

Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.

Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date

Me: ok brag that you get to the third date

I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.

3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is