It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
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[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Americans can choose from over 1,000 breakfast cereals but only two presidential candidates?
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it
If you had purchased extra tape a month ago, then put it away in a safe place until it was time to wrap presents, where–hypothetically–might that have been
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
you wanna pause your show on peacock? you’re starting the episode over. you wanna skip ahead? you’re starting the episode over. you want closed captions? you’re watching below deck.