Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here

Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.

I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”

Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.

Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.

Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.

Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.

Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?

Me: I’m so lonely.

ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.

[she comes home with a doggy bag]

Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*

*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger

Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?

Me: only twice a year

Them: and how long does it last?

Me: 6 months

I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.

I’m a carb girl, born and bread

Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..

Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.

I’ve been yelling for years.

Now I’m convinced.

I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.

Traffic fantasy:

– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me

Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do

I’ve just bought a new Christmas keyboard for my computer.

There’s No L.

“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking

Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.

I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.

Me: *scrunches my face*

13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.

Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.

How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions

Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.