It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
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Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?