Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches

You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….

I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”

wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes

Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.

My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers

Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?

Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.

Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.

My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax

the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake

me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂

The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously

Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.

You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great

Me: my tooth hurts when I suck

Dentist: so you’re in constant pain

You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.

Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?

Me: It’s because…holy shit

Kid: You just ran that stop sign

Me: Shut up give me a second

Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.

Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.

White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.

21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”

My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.

I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.

At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.