Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.

To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.

[After date, walking her to her door]

Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.

So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?

There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.

***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.

The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”

He’s 14.

Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?

Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”

So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.

Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.

Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF

Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]

Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME

8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.

Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*

Her: We had our friend for dinner.

Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.

Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.

Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?

“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”

~All accountants

Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.

thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie

my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)

BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.

Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.

I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.

*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*

“Ooh, that IS risky.”

Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing

Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.

Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.

we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease

me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally

I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist

I need to know what happened here in 1620.

Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t