Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?

The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.

Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.

Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.

[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT

[blind date]

HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets

ME: Oh wow, me too!

HER: Really?

ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?

Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*

Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.

“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.

SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*

*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*

OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!

[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years

I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE

You know what else is crazy?

*googles synonyms for crazy*

me: there’s a fly in my soup

waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once

me: no, just the one is enough

Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.

MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!

PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…

My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.

For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice

Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*

You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?

Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut

person: nice cheese

inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets

rest in peace, 2023.

2023-2023

We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed

Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…

being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck