Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.

Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.

Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.

*click

[putting on wedding dress]

me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake

maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that

Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.

Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.

Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.

Her: Oh, you don’t drink?

Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.

My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.

I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.

Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control

If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean

I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole

If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.

What I say: It’s time to get dressed.

What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.

My husband has officially reached peak dad status.

Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.

Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this

Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords

Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.

i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body

Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*

Person: So, what’s your favourite book?

Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.

I pirated a movie yesterday…

I gave it 3.14 stars.

You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you

The life cycle of pickles:

Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles

Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles

Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.

The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”

[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”

[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!

*tries to get in your pantries*

There is no typo here.

Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.

*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*

Me: what?