Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.

The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:

1) oh my god for me?!

2) this is the best day ever

3) this house is full of thieves trust no one

I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.

OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

“No”

Cop: *points* Your buck naked

[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”

*playing hide & seek with my group*

5: I’m only going to count to ten

Me: why?

5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet

i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it

*Listening to red hot chili peppers*

Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!

Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.

Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.

I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.

Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.

Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.

[first day as a lion tamer]

me: don’t worry i totally researched this…

ring master: um ok

me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING

Eve: I’m hungry

Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe

Eve: not this again

December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.

Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now

Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.

The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.

As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.

I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.

Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything

I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.

I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.

This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

By age 35 you should:

-live in a cave on a mountain

-hate everyone

-try to destroy christmas at least once

-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails

Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!