It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
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It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
I have a black belt in leather
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️