It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
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“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’
I thought, “That’s just spam.”
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
i did the math
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic