It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
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Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
hackers play passwordle
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.