Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.

dream jobs:

• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village

Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish

Please be on notice:

From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.

ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her

I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.

ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.

BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?

I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.

Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.

Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?

Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.

Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”

Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?

I love you to the refrigerator and back

Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

Butterfly courtship ritual:

Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere

I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.

The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.

Villian: one false move and you’re history

Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you

i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok

I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night

(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree

Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.

“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.

Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”

ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.

Passport agent:

[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]

Me: This is absolutely magnificent.

[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]

Me: This is pretty alright I guess.

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears

I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too