It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
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MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Instead of the USPS they should have the PSPS where trucks would just drive around and put cats in your mailbox.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs