Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.

penguins are just ducks going to a wedding

Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*

me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*

Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.

The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.

This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.

Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent

I love this❤️😁👍

Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.

thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes

Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe

MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.

When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city

My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.

[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit

You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.

Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”

Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”

4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?

Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.

4: Don’t you want to taste them first?

Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late

Biden: I gave him the wrong address

Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect

Biden: idgaf what they call him

Me: Why are you digging in your ear?

3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!

Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try

Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers

At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.

A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.

*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*

ME: Good morning, world!

CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.

Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.

My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.

Finally!