Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
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I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
dogs can find happiness so easily
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”