It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
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In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
