Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Would it be possible to visit this cool ranch where the Doritos are being packaged? I just want to make sure they’re being treated well

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.

Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?

Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.

I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.

[taking the last bite of a big meal]

date: what would you like to do next

me: poop

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.

the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces

In my 20’s: I want to find true love.

In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because I cheated on you

wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen

the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os

In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard

mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son

Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?

Me: I need to find my people

Him: You have a family, we are your people

Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like

New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?

Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.

New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?

Me: So far? 4 years.

is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while

[cute guy approaches at bar]

Him: Hey can I…

Me: [blushing] Yes?

Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.

Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-

Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]

I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.

When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”

*Press Conference*

Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole

Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable

Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro

If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house

i installed a ceiling fan in my room

Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why

Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES