It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
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last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
*bites zombie*
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Florida be like…
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet