It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
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Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
i wish i could marry a nap
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?